These car insurance jokes are actual statements from real claims:
(source http://www.carinsurances.co.uk)

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”

“A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.”

“I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

“I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind”.

“On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn’t connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

“I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.”

“Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?”

“No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“While proceeding through ‘Monkey Jungle’, the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in ‘Monkey Jungle’ clutching radio aerial.”

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q – What warning was given by you?
A – Horn
Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

(Part 2 of 2 to be published tomorrow)

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